Saturday, November 28, 2009

Offerings (1989)

Offerings came out in 1989, at a time where teen slasher flicks were at their all-time worst and every week there seemed to be a new turd flooding the cinematic toilet bowl. Offerings was just one of many films to rip-off the horror classic ‘Halloween’, in order to cash in on the trend. But while most movies had the decency to hide their plagiarism, Offerings just said 'whatever' and went all out! The similarities are just too many to count. Lemme try to break it all down.

First, I should explain the plot of the movie.

A bunch of kids on bikes start terrorizing this little shy kid for never talking. The little shy kid has an abusive mother, who is masterfully played by Demi Moore, likes to torture animals, and has a little pig-tailed girlfriend who looks like Cindy from the brady bunch. When the children of the corn pressure the shy kid to walk around a well, he does it, but the kids push him in anyway, and they run away.

10 years later, the shy kid is being treated in a medical center and eacapes by stabbing his nurse in the brain with a needle. He then goes back to his old town and starts killing all the little assholes that pushed him down the well. After each killing he gives a body part to his old girlfriend, that’s why the movie is called offerings. A fat sheriff is sent in the town, wonderfully played by louie Anderson, but he doesn’t do shit. After all the teens have been killed, the killer comes for his old girlfriend, who shoots him and he dies.

Now that you know the generic plot to the movie, lets go deeper and look at the acting. Its sub-par at best These actors are so stiff and uninspired that its just painful to try and watch them try to communicate to one another. They cant even die right. But maybe Im beeing too hard on the actors, I mean, for the characters and dialogue they were given, how good could they possibly be?

The characters, oh man, lets take a closer look at these wonderful fellows. Some of my favorites include…

The creepy mortician intern
The kid’s mom and dad
The guy who gets his head squished in a vice
Ben Dover- The horny Ginger kid

But the list of ridiculous and out of place characters wouldn’t be complete without the idiot cop, who somehow rose through the ranks and has become a detective. He knows about the serial killer, and how he escaped from the mental institution, yet he convinces the two girls that its all just a joke, after they find an ear in the newspaper. I think if I found a nose in a newspaper or an ear on my dorrstep, Id probably freak out. But no, they stay in the house and wait for the killer to, well, kill em’(maybe she was just afraid the neighbors dog would attack again) .

Then, the detective gives the job of protecting the girls to the most ill-conceived and thoughtless character Ive ever seen in a movie, ever. He is the most brainless, idiotic, unbelievable detective ive ever seen in a movie. Other then that the film is filled with generic and flat characters that just get murdered right away and a dumb blonde main character with bad teeth.

You thought that was the worst this movie had to offer, no, no no no, hell no. It gets much worse. The movie is filled to the brim with filler and pointless scenes of stupidity that leave me baffled and utterly depressed. Offerings made me lose all respect for mankind. There is no going back after watching this movie. Watch at your own risk!

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